He Knows

"Will it ever stop?" The words leave my lips in a whisper. I sit on the side of my bed, gazing at my Bible through a haze of tears. Will I ever find peace to weave its way through the waves of emotions that threaten to overwhelm my soul? Will I ever find the breath to quench the pain that surges through my chest? Will I ever be able to pick up the shattered pieces of my broken heart?

Let your tears touch to the ground

Lay your shattered pieces down

And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl

And put her back together again...

There is a Love they can never steal away

And you don't have to stay the broken girl

A couple of months ago I wrote a post which I titled "Broken and Beautiful." I didn't go into detail, but I was still very much feeling the pain of a broken heart when I wrote that post. The raw reality of facing life without someone who had become my best friend was fresh on my mind, and I had no idea how to begin to move on. To this day I still feel pain, but it is a different kind of hurt, and God's grace in my life has caused me to lean ever closer into Him. Hurting but hoping...it's the first step to finding contentment! I am so thankful for the lessons I have learned over the past several months, and I wanted to share a few of them with you today...

I remember vividly praying and asking God if I could ever feel happy again. All excitement over the prospect of graduation and my new job felt empty. How could I possibly force myself to even take the next step?

When unexpected changes come up in our lives, it is hard to feel anything except anxiety, hurt, anger, and fear. When we think we have everything figured out and our plans are dashed, is is far too easy to feel like the world is coming to an end! How on earth can there be joy in the midst of a situation that feels so wrong? Surely if I was pursuing a healthy relationship, seeking godly counsel, and praying each and every day that God would guide my steps, I was doing the right thing?

That's when I've realized we need to step back and pause. Anyone who knows me knows my life verse has always been Jeremiah 29:11. I have clung to that verse like nothing else! When I went through my scoliosis surgery, I remember literally writing that verse down on every scrap of paper I could find. My schoolwork, my planner, my letters, my emails, and even my bedroom walls were covered with it. On the day of my college graduation, I proudly decorated my cap with the precious words which have always captured my heart.

"For I KNOW the plans I have for you, declares the LORD Plans to prosper you and not to harm you Plans to give you hope and a future."

He knows. It is okay if we don't know how our life is going to play out. It is okay if OUR plans are shattered and our dreams are forced to take a different course. Now don't get me wrong: God certainly doesn't expect us to just bounce back from heartbreak without expressing and processing 0ur grief. Grief is real, and there is no sin in acknowledging and working through our pain. All God wants from us is our trust. Trust that even if we don't know, He does. Trust that God does love us. Trust that He has plans. Plans that are not always going to line up with ours, but that will always, always be for our good. Anything that God brings into our life is designed by Him to prosper us and to give us a beautiful future full of hope, peace, and joy. What a precious, precious promise this is!!

All the bitter weary ways Endless striving day by day You barely have the strength to pray In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been How deep the pain within Wounds that no one else has seen Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between And all the weight that brings you to your knees

He knows He knows Every hurt and every sting He has walked the suffering He knows He knows Let your burdens come undone Lift your eyes up to the one Who knows He knows

As a nurse, I have the opportunity to witness firsthand the reality of sickness and pain each and every day. There is nothing admirable about pretending that brokenness isn't a part of lives. After all, even Jesus wept in the ugly face of sin and death! When I take care of a child who is hurting, I am not going to tell them that they need to just "get over" their pain or pretend that it isn't there. Goodness knows I would be every child's least favorite nurse if I took that approach!! Yet once I have taken all the necessary steps to treating my patient's discomfort, I must help them to turn their focus away from their hurt. It may be through a warm blanket, a gentle back-rub, a favorite tv show, or a stuffed animal to hold.

I am not going to pretend that the pain of a broken heart is the same as the pain of an aching back. Yet the lesson to learn here is the same! We must not remain stuck in the midst of our hurt. No matter how hard it may be or how impossible it may feel, we have a hope that is so much more real than any heartache we may be going through.

It is so tempting to put everything on hold when we are grieving and disconnect from the reality of every day life. To a certain extent, it is healthy to give yourself the space and time to grieve. I know personally it was helpful to talk with my parents to help myself set boundaries when I was experiencing the fresh pain of loss. I was definitely not thinking clearly, and it was important for me to reach out for help. I needed guidance to determine what I absolutely needed to do and what could wait. Job interviews and homework assignments couldn't be postponed, but papers due at the end of the semester and extra plans with friends could be put on the back-burner for a little while. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to give yourself the time you need to heal.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”- Robert Frost

Your life will go on, but you don't need to go on by yourself. Don't bottle up your emotions. There is nothing gained by walking through our pain by ourselves. To love is to make yourself vulnerable. There is no getting around that! To love someone makes losing them hurt far, far more. Yet to love is to also surround yourself with people who will be there to support you when you need them the most. Walks in the park, gentle hugs, warm cups of coffee, sweet letters of encouragement...It has taken time, but these sweet memories with my precious family and friends have begun to eclipse the painful reminders of the dreams I was holding onto.

Often I think people overlook the verses which come after Jeremiah 29:11. Look at them for a moment with me:

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord.

God knows that the unexpected changes He brings into our lives will drive us to Him. None of this takes Him by surprise! Losing someone or something you hold dear shakes your confidence and forces you to reevaluate your priorities and desires. Over the past several months I have discovered that my hopes and dreams are not ultimately rooted in people, places, or experiences. All these things are good, but they are not secure. It may feel like we have all our plans perfectly set in place, but all these things can change in a moment. In order to have true peace we need to hold fast to the truth that no matter what we lose, we we will always find God when we seek Him with all our heart.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus Christ, my righteousness;

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

I will never be able to look back on the memories of my loss with joy. Any experience that comes with pain never leaves you the same person you once were. But if you are going through loss, I promise that you will find happiness again. As the months have passed, I have found joy stealing its way back into my heart. I still have times where I think about what might have been, moments where the hurt resurfaces. In those moments, I force myself to realize that I am exactly where God wants me. He has a purpose for every tear and every moment of joy he allows into my life. I don't need to be afraid to open my heart to those around me. God will use the people in my life for a purpose, even if it is not the purpose I have in mind. God's plans for my life are perfect. I know this for certain, and what more could I ask for?!