I was driving to work yesterday, and a song came on the radio that really struck me. It was called "Dear Younger Me," by Hillsong United. The lyrics were so simple, yet so perfectly captured some of the emotions I have been grappling with as I reflect on 2020. This year has not been easy. As much as everyone jokes about how it feels like we are in a living Jumanji game, this year has caused a lot of raw, real emotions to surface for so many different people. This virus is no joke, and it has been a crazy ride so far!
Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be...
2020. You look so very different than I thought you would! I started this year in my second semester of nursing school, planner filled out and clinical schedule confidently plugged into my phone. I never would have imagined that midway through the semester, everything would start to fall apart. I remember walking out of the hospital, wearing my scrubs for the last time. None of us knew what the rest of the school year was going to look like. The shift to online classes and clinicals was very rocky, full of technical issues, confusion, and flurries of emails from students and professors. We all spent the weeks surrounding spring break trying to wrap their minds around this new way of learning.
Finals, you brought a huge measure of anxiety, I'm not going to downplay it: this was a really hard time for me. All my old study methods were shaken by the online lectures and changes in material. Our study groups were broken up as we were forced to quarantine and work largely on our own. I didn't realize how hard it would be to not see my fellow nursing students in person anymore. How did I ever take for granted being able to walk onto campus and sit down in the library to trade patho notes over a cup of coffee?
COVID-19. When I first heard about Coronavirus, I never would have imagined the impact it would have. This pandemic seemed to turn our world upside down!! My news-feed and Facebook pages flood with statistics, information, studies, and endless opinions on the best way to contain this disease. Does anyone really understand it? Should we all stay at home and avoid going anywhere ,or is it safe to go out and about as normal? Do masks really protect you against the virus? Since when has it become impossible to find clorox wipes and toilet paper?!
Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you'll make 'cause they're choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride...
Who could have imagined that even something as simple as grocery shopping would turn into such a big deal? I remember the first time I walked down the toiletries aisle and saw all the empty shelves. It felt like a strange dream! What is going on with our world? Cones popped up everywhere, restricting the exits and entrances, aisle markers were printed on the floors, and masks became a requirement instead of a precaution.
Fear. I see it in the eyes of the people all around me. I see it the young mom who pulls her child closer to her as I pass her outside the doctor's office. I see it in the eyes of an older man who quickly backs away from me as I walk down the medicine aisle. I see it through the window of the car in the drive through as I take a family's order. It breaks my heart. How have we all become so afraid of each other? We can't even breathe without worrying we are making other people sick, let alone reach out and touch each other.
I suppose we should have expected it. Anytime fear infiltrates our society, it brings up other issues, political and personal. When there is no one person to blame for our problems, we tend to choose someone to point at. So many times during this year I have had to take a break from the news. The heartbreaking stories that have surfaced over this year have brought up so many questions and conflicting emotions. How do we make sense of the disagreements, the fights over social media, and the protests we see everywhere we turn?
If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would've had no power
My joy my pain would've never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would've not been hard to figure out
What I would've changed if I had heard
Dear younger me
It's not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me...
Yes, 2020, you have been a year for the books! It's been hugely challenging and bewildering at times, but it has also been a year that has been packed with so many beautiful memories. During times like this, we always have a choice. We can choose to sink into depression and frustration, or we can use our experiences as opportunities. Now is the time we need to take our thoughts captive and focus on what we know is true. God hasn't gone away just because of this virus. He is still completely in control of everything that is going on. Nothing is outside of his perfect plan for us!
I can't remember a year since I entered college when I have spent more time with my family. Each Friday my mom decided to bring all the kids to a special place. It might be a park, a trail, or a sunny beach. Regardless, it gave us the opportunity to get out of the house and into the sunshine. We could laugh together, eat picnics together, and step away from everything for a little while. As we hiked trails and gazed up at beautiful waterfalls and peaceful rivers, I was encouraged by the scenes of peace all around me.
Baxter and Cade, you have taught me so much this year. On days when I have felt especially discouraged, you are always ready to greet me with a hug and a smile. You both face every day with so much joy. Your lives have been touched by the pandemic, but you always maintain such a simple trust and hope that is so pure and beautiful. You are totally confident that you will wake up each day to a safe home, clean clothes (matching of course!), and a well-stocked fridge, regardless of whether we have to wear strange masks, watch church from our living room, or pick up our library books off the curb. Each day is new and exciting, and you have no concern about it, because you have each other and know you will be taken care of.
Dear Younger Me...
You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed
Through it all, I am thankful for this year. Our family is still safe, happy, and healthy. I have no idea what the rest of 2020 will bring, but I know that I am going to face it with confident hope and prayer. Thank you all for following my journey!
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