Resting in My "I Don't Know..."

Anyone who knows me knows I am a planner. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always loved writing to-do-lists, laying out my calendar, and organizing all my activities. I definitely inherited this tendency from my mom! Heaven only knows how she keeps our household of eleven running so smoothly, but she is absolutely the most organized person I have ever met. Ever since I can remember, Mom has endowed her children with a love for some semblance of routine, whether it is during the crazy busyness of the school year or the long, lazy summer days. All of us are far more content when we have some sort of structure!

Yet I have come to discover that my love for schedules, routines, and planning has its upsides and downsides. It is both comforting and satisfying to check off my to-do list throughout the week and watch it shrink. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting goals for ourselves and feeling a sense of accomplishment when we achieve them! Even God had a vision in mind when He created the world. When it was complete, He "saw that it was good!" He rested in the contentment of having perfectly met His expectations.

Here is where we must pause, because neither our plans or execution of them are untainted by our sinful inclinations. A love and gift for organization can turn far too quickly into a tendency towards becoming overly controlling and exceedingly anxious when things don't go according to plan. I have found the need to recognize that now matter how carefully I map out my day, there is no way I can anticipate every little crisis that will pop up and the necessary changes I will have to make.

“If I really want an unrushed life, I must underwhelm my schedule so God has room to overwhelm my soul.”

Lately, I have had a lot of life events which have shaken my plans and left me confused, anxious, and disillusioned at times. At the very moment I begin to breathe a sigh of relief and feel like life is going so smoothly, some unexpected challenge will come up. I think it is at the times when we start to feel most comfortable, God recognizes the need to shake us out of our complacency into a renewed dependence upon Him.

The unknown often presents itself with a deep sense of fear. We like to be constantly aware of what is going on and have a sense of control over our lives. Isn't it interesting that this theme even appears in the Disney movie, Frozen 2? I remember being blown away by the emotions that were captured so poignantly by the two sisters. As Elsa wanders through a wintry wasteland, she calls out: "Are you out there? Do you know me? Can you feel me? Can you show me?" She grasps frantically for knowledge that slips through her fingers. Meanwhile, her sister is overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness and realizes that all she can do is: "Take a step, step again...It is all that I can d0! The next right thing. I won't look too far ahead; it's too much for me to take. But break it down to this next breath, this next step. This next choice is one that I can make..."

"Don't let the hurt of today blind you to the hope of tomorrow. Disappointment ushers in a new appointment...Today, let's be determined to see blessings in the midst of things that seem like burdens."

Of course, we should not always seek life's answers from a cartoon (as much as I love Disney)! Still, important lessons can be learned from unlikely sources. One of the devotionals I have been reading lately is "Seeing Beautiful Again" by Lysa Terkheurst. She so perfectly captures the conflicting emotions we feel when we come face-to-face with uncertainty: "The crucial detail for us to have peace in the middle of everything we face is to stay close to the Lord. We think we want comfort in the I-don't-know times of life. But comfort isn't a solution to seek; rather, it's a byproduct we'll reap when we stay close to the Lord...God is close to us even in our "I don't knows..."[He] has a strength He must prepare us with, and the training ground is here..Let's choose to believe that there is good happening, even in these places. Because wherever God is, good is being worked."

“If I'm trusting myself, I will stare at all the possible ways I could fail. If I'm trusting God, I will stare at all the possible ways He'll use this whether I fail or succeed.”

How beautiful is this assurance?! When our perfectly laid plans come crashing down, we begin to realize how little control we truly have over each and every moment of our lives. It is at times like these that we have choice to make. We can either despair and grow angry and fearful at the chaos around us, or we can choose to lean into the uncertainty that lies in front of us. We can rest in the knowledge that God ALWAYS knows. He has a perfect plan for our lives, and it may not be "our" plan. Even in the midst of doubt and fear, we can be assured that God is right there beside us. He is with us through our highs and our lows, through every valley we descend and every mountain we climb. He catches us when we stumble and redirects our steps towards His purpose. We can confidently rest in our "I don't know."

God will always do great things with people who are willing to be faithful in the small things.

I remember a phrase my little brother used to use ALL the time. Whenever he would call me when I was going to school out of state, he would ask me how my day was going. I slipped into the bad habit of answering with a simple, "Okay!" Ever curious, Brandan realized how to bypass this answer by instead asking, "How was your day, and WHAT made it 'okay?'" This simple question always brought a smile to my face. It is a subtle difference, but an important one! I would encourage you to look at your life through the eyes of four year old little Brandan, always seeking the small joys, the mini moments that add up to our "okay!" There is always hope to be found, always a bright side to even the most disillusioning times of our lives when we look at them in light of God's overarching plan for us. Sometimes are days will be wonderful, and other times they will be just "okay." Hold onto that. Life doesn't always have to be crystal clear and full of mountaintop moments. The sweet simplicity of taking one day and even one hour at a time is so wonderfully freeing!

"Not reaching back for what was lost in my yesterdays. And not reaching for what I hope will be in my tomorrow. But living fully with what is right in front of me. And truly seeing the gift of this moment."

I don't always know...And that's okay! God knows, and that is enough for today. I pray you can find this contentment! God has a future for us, and nothing we can do will throw a wrench in His precious plan.

Note: All the credit for these beautiful quotes goes to Lysa Terkheurst! I cannot recommend highly enough her devotionals: Seeing Beautiful Again, Embraced, and The Best Yes.