"Look, Mommy!!" The little girl squealed with delight as she leapt with all her might into the puddle before her. As the water droplets rose into the air around her, she started down at her red rubber boots. Little lines pierced through the crystal clear water, and her reflection was distorted. Strange curves, twists, and bends turned her smiling face into a shadow of her true appearance. The shimmering surface of the water seemed to hide the cocked head of the child as she watched her image slowly settle before her. Even once the water had stopped shifting, the child staring back up at her from the puddle at her feet seemed strangely distant. The same blue eyes she saw each day still blinked back at her. Her lips still curved into a smile. Her long brown hair blew in the breeze in the water just as it did in the air around her. Yet there was something missing. It was like a piece of glass was between her and the image of herself she pictured in her mind. After a moment, the child shook off these thoughts and leapt into the air again. Clear or clouded, she knew she was present, and she was content.
Reflections. There is something so strange and beautiful about the meaning behind this word. Sometimes we use it to refer to the fleeting images we see in the mirror. Sometimes we use it to refer to geometry problems that make our heads ache. Sometimes we use it to refer to the thoughts we have about times past.
No matter which of these definitions we are using, they all ultimately share the same characteristic. The reflection is never the essence of the thing we are referring to. Whether it is a picture, a shadow, a reference, or a memory, there is always a divide.
To add to all the variations of the word, reflection can also be used as a verb! Towards the end of the old year and the beginning of the new, we tend to engage in a lot of reflecting. Did we meet the goals we set for the past year? Did we do all the things we wanted to do? Did we grow emotionally, physically, spiritually? I remember feeling so utterly discouraged as I reflected at the end of last year. Yes, I had so many good things happen like graduating from nursing school, finishing my clinical hours and making countless sweet memories with my family. Yet I had also faced the bitter pain of loss that left me reeling with an overwhelming mixture of emotions. Fear. Longing. Hope.
I thought back on all the plans I had come up with, and the picture in my mind crumbled. I sat by my nightstand and gazed into the mirror. In that moment I felt so strangely disconnected. I wondered desperately who the true woman was behind the reflection in front of me.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30
Let go of your dreams, my child. I heard the words so, so clearly as I sat down with my Bible and planner in front of me, torn between the dreams I knew I needed
to let go and the prospects opening before me. My plan is so much better for you. Lean on me, my child. I will give you every bit of grace you need to bring you joy, hope, and the future I already have planned for you. Will you trust me? "I trust you, God..." The words left my lips in a whisper. "Please help me."
As I come to the end of this year, my mind is absolutely blown. I think about where I was when I started at Children's as a new nurse. I was both exhilarated and terrified. To be an RN was my dream, and yet I had no idea what this year would have in store for me. I can confidently say that my first year as a nurse has taught me far more than I ever thought possible. I am very, very far from knowing everything I want to know, but I do strive to be the very best nurse for my precious patients each and every day. My job is the most challenging, fulfilling, exciting, heartbreaking, rewarding job I could ever ask for. I learn more from my patients than I could ever give them in a lifetime. It is nothing like I imagined, but I wouldn't do anything else for the world!
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
The biggest desire of my heart was granted when I found Brendan. I never in a million years could have orchestrated the events leading up to our connecting and meeting each other. It was one hundred percent by God's grace that we met and fell in love. Brendan is literally the man of my dreams and so, so much more. He loves me and cares for me so well and makes my heart happy in a way I couldn't have imagined possible. He is the most precious gift God has ever given me, and I pray each and every day that I can be the most faithful, loving wife I can be for him. I prayed for a man like Brendan, but I am so beyond grateful that I didn't settle for anyone less than the man God knew I needed and chose for me from the beginning of time. Waiting was so, so very hard at times, but it was worth every single moment. God had a plan, and I am so grateful He gave me the patience to wait for the man He had planned.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. --Melody Beattie
As I reflect on this past year, gratitude is the word that keeps coming to mind. I cannot thank God enough for the ways He has worked in my life and in my heart. The path has not always been easy, and it has been so unbelievably different from anything I could have planned for myself. Yet God's plans for me have been so much richer, so much greater, so much more beautiful than mine. Whenever I am tempted to try to take control of my life or orchestrate things MY way, I am floored by God's grace and reminded how much richer the life is that He has to offer. Even if it comes with pain, frustration, doubt, and times of deep loneliness, it also comes with the grace to walk through every moment of pain. The encouragement to lift us through every second of frustration. The assurance to step through every season of doubt. The companionship of a loving Father and precious Savior to walk with us through the valleys of loneliness.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
I look into the mirror, and I can't help but smile. The woman in front of me is so far from perfect, but the joy that is emanating from her is genuine. She has grown to realize that despite the uncertainty that this new year has to offer her, God will give her all that she needs to walk through it. As she pulls out her colored pens and empty planner and begins to fill it with all the plans she has for the year, she realizes that God's plans might not fit into hers. And that is a GOOD thing!! God has plans that surpass anything our hearts could possibly imagine. They are perfect, and they are GOOD. This year when I am tempted to become overwhelmed with anxiety and uncertainty, I pray that I will lean on God as He walks through every valley with me. My reflections this year fill me with joy, hope, and a settled certainty that God already has my year figured out. He has a plan, and I am content.
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
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